Things I Don’t Do
Source: Lucia Von Sprecher
Deduction vs. addition can be a more powerful approach to having autonomy over your life. Here are a few things I typically don't do that you may consider stopping as well.
Knowing what not to do can often be more valuable than the things you do to achieve your goals. Bad habits and decisions can be a setback to a solid strategy, so it’s helpful to keep a ‘not-do’ list. Here are a few things I try to avoid so I can conserve and channel my resources into things that propel me forward.
Rush
Nothing screams powerless more than a person who dashes about in a frazzled state, as if the world will come to a screeching halt if they don't make haste. It's quite unsettling to observe and even more unsettling to actually exist in that state.
I remember some years ago when I lived in New York — I used to run to cross the street, run to catch the train, run to do just about anything. When I left New York and moved to Europe, I was forced to slow down because my frenetic movements were wildly out of a place in a society that prioritizes ease and pleasure.
If you want to feel a greater sense of control over your life, stop being a slave to the illusion of time. I assure you that slowing your pace will not cause you to miss out on anything. In fact, it could help you be more alert and aware, so your decisions and actions come from a considered place, leading to increased productivity.
If you find your schedule is too busy to slow down, perhaps you are doing too much. Let go of the notion that you can juggle it all and lean back a bit. Some people wear busyness as a badge, but it's not an accolade; it's a disadvantage. It's hard to be healthy, wealthy, or happy when you can't command your own time. Better to invest in what matters most.
Argue
If you want to waste a lot of time and energy, make a habit of getting into disputes with others. There is a laundry list of reasons why most arguments are pretty useless.
An assertive person has a clear sense of their standards and boundaries. They will do what they want and not do what they don't. When standing in your power, you don't justify your actions to anyone once you've decided. If a person insists on voicing their feedback, let them, then graciously go on about your agenda.
On the other hand, there's a certain amount of indifference you must maintain concerning matters that are out of your control. Feel free to share your thoughts if solicited, but be ready to detach from the outcome. It is not always worth convincing someone else to see things your way or do what they don't want to do.
The exception to this rule is healthy conflict and constructive criticism. You don't have to avoid a confrontation when it is needed to make progress. However, if you see things escalating into a heated quarrel where neither party is open to compromise, that's when it's time to conserve your energy and step away.
Gossip
Gossip is negative hearsay, and it serves no other purpose than to betray or belittle someone. By engaging in this, you are fueling negativity. However, the words you think and speak impact you before anyone else. If you spew toxicity, you'll be the first to experience its adverse effects.
Why exert energy brooding about someone you don't like? You may think it a relief to vent this way, but it's actually petty and puts you in a bad mood. It would be better to completely disengage emotionally and give no attention to that person at all.
I can't think of anyone that I dislike or hate because there is no one worthy of such intense emotions. My approach to anyone I find unpleasant is to detach. They simply become nonexistent to me. Indifference, or the lack of an emotional response, is the most suitable way to deal with unpleasant folks.
Another negative aspect of gossip is that it is unsophisticated. If you are a cultured individual, you have so many more interesting things to discuss than rumors about a person you deem to be low-grade. The world is full of delights, so orient your thoughts and words around uplifting matters.
Skimp
Though I adopt some aspects of the minimalist philosophy, there is a difference between efficiency and scarcity. A person with a scarcity mindset sees only lack and can actually make many inefficient decisions as a result.
An excellent example of this is extreme couponing. There are individuals who will drive miles out of their way to redeem a discount at a specific store. However, they don't consider the time wasted, the cost of gas, and the other obligations they neglected for this task.
This is not to bash discounts. It's always financially savvy to save when you can. However, this shows how penny-pinching, and other similar tactics, often don't accomplish what you intend. Being narrowly focused on economizing and trying to cut corners also takes resources. You have to ensure the resources you are spending are less than the savings in the end.
There's a proverb my grandmother used to say often: a closed hand doesn't give, but it also can't receive. If you are obsessed with holding onto what you have, you can't get into an abundant mindset that helps you manifest more. To gain, you have to let go.
For that reason, my alternative to skimping is focusing on and generously investing in what matters while disregarding the rest, so I don't exhaust my resources.
Promise
I have an aversion to getting myself locked into too many commitments and also try to avoid making promises to myself or others. I generally prefer to minimize obligations in general, as they tend to make you feel overwhelmed. Instead, I prefer to underpromise and overdeliver.
When you make a promise, you are declaring that you have the ability to know and control the future. Except you do not. You don't know what tomorrow will bring and whether circumstances will be conducive to you doing what you intend to do.
In some religious settings, people use the term "God willing" before making statements about the future. For instance, "God willing, I'll be able to make it to the event in time." Regardless of your spiritual beliefs, this phrase is an expression of expectation balanced by the acknowledgment that what you hope for is not entirely in your hands.
Try not to burden yourself with endless obligations. They not only take up time and energy and leave you riddled with guilt if you cannot follow through. They may even ruin your reputation if you become known for making promises you don’t keep.
Assume
I take people at face value. I consider what they say but only believe what they do. I try not to have expectations of anyone or anything and, as a result, don't make hasty assumptions about them. Assumptions are ideas you establish and accept about people or situations with little or no proof. You typically make assumptions when:
you want something and are so hopeful that what you want will come true that you immediately fill in the gaps with your own narrative.
you've been influenced by the opinions of others but haven't taken the time to personally observe the situation in order to craft a well-informed perspective.
Humans are conditioned to make quick decisions about things as an energy conservation technique. We've evolved to process our environment fast — in past times, this could have been the difference between life and death. In modern times, it's overkill.
The best way to critique anything is to observe, evaluate and decide for yourself. Don't take anyone else's word for it, and don't jump to conclusions. Observation is a highly practical skill to cultivate. The ability to acknowledge, analyze and assess will allow you to take in ample information to better decipher the truth of the matter.
There is one caveat to all of the above. Notice how I used the word "typically" in the intro. As I am not perfect and don't strive to be, I occasionally do all of these things. However, I do not feel that bad about it when I do.
That's because when I do them, I eventually become aware of what I'm doing. Awareness allows me to decide if I need to correct the behavior. It's being conscious of your thoughts, habits, and actions that is the actual goal of determining what to and not to do.
