This is Why I'm Polite And Pleasant But Not That Friendly
Since I can remember I've had people tell me that I come off as intimidating until they get to know me. Here's why that’s beneficial.
Recently my dad told me that I'm the nicest person he knows. He listed all the qualities that makes him see me as an agreeable person who's delightful to be around. It was a wonderful compliment to receive as a daughter. However, the more I reflected on his feedback the more I realized that I am indeed nice, but I am not that friendly.
The first impressions of most people who don't know me well is often that I'm elusive. They don't perceive me as unkind or unapproachable, but exceptionally poised and reserved. These are natural qualities that I've learned to leverage for my benefit, and you can too.
I want to discuss the difference between being polite and pleasant and being friendly. Initially you may find it hard to distinguish between the two terms, but they are quite different. Knowing the difference can have a significant impact on how you are perceived and treated by others.
Courtesy
Courtesy is the art of being polite and showing respect towards others. It involves manners and social etiquette that are universally recognized as signs of respect and consideration. When I exhibit courtesy, I adhere to social norms such as saying "please" and "thank you," listening attentively when others speak, and not interrupting. This behavior fosters a positive environment and encourages mutual respect.
Being courteous doesn't necessarily mean I have to engage deeply on a personal level with everyone I meet. Instead, it sets a foundation for pleasant interactions without requiring the openness and vulnerability often associated with friendship. Courtesy can be seen as the groundwork of social interaction, where politeness and respect are prioritized to maintain harmony and avoid conflict.
Personality
My INTJ personality type naturally inclines towards being poised and reserved. This doesn't equate to being ill-natured, but rather having a composed demeanor that may be misinterpreted as aloofness. In truth, this aspect of my personality helps me to observe and listen, allowing me to understand people and situations before engaging. It's a trait that can be both protective and empowering.
By not wearing my heart on my sleeve, I can navigate social interactions with a level of detachment that helps in maintaining objectivity and making well-considered decisions. This approach to social interactions aligns with my intrinsic personality traits, highlighting that being friendly is not the only way to be approachable or kind.
Boundary
Boundaries are essential qualities of emotional intelligence and key to both healthy relationships and personal well-being. By not being overly friendly, I set clear boundaries that help define the nature of my relationships with others. These boundaries are not walls but rather guidelines that help others understand how to interact with me respectfully.
Boundaries allow me to control my personal space and privacy, ensuring that I share my time and energy with those who respect my limits. They also prevent misunderstandings and ensure that while I am polite and pleasant, I do not invite undue familiarity or infringe on someone else's personal space. Establishing boundaries is a form of self-respect and a signal to others that while I am open to respectful and kind interactions, there are limits to my accessibility.
Energy
Managing energy is crucial in today's complex and fast-paced world. Being polite and pleasant requires a certain amount of social energy, but it's significantly less taxing than the energy expended in forming and maintaining friendships. As a highly sensitive person, by choosing to be pleasant rather than overly friendly, I conserve my emotional and mental energy for deeper relationships that are truly meaningful to me.
This strategy allows me to remain engaged and present in social interactions without feeling drained. It's all about quality over quantity. By investing my energy wisely, I ensure that my social interactions are rewarding and sustainable, without overextending myself.
While being polite and pleasant, I maintain a balance that respects both my boundaries and those of others. This approach enables me to navigate social interactions effectively, conserving my energy for what matters most and and ensuring that I remain true to myself.
Here are some examples that illustrate the difference between being polite and friendly. These examples demonstrate that being pleasant and polite involves a respectful acknowledgment of social cues and boundaries, whereas being friendly can sometimes disregard personal space and social boundaries, sometimes leading to awkwardness or misunderstanding.
Colleagues
Polite: You greet your colleagues with a smile, ask how their weekend was, and express genuine interest in their response. You maintain professional boundaries and focus on work-related discussions during meetings.
Friendly: You ask personal questions, share detailed information about your private life, and invite colleagues to social events frequently.
Neighbors
Polite: You wave to your neighbors, offer a friendly "good morning," and occasionally engage in brief conversations about the weather or local news. You respect their privacy and space.
Overly Friendly: You regularly stop by your neighbors' homes, insist on making plans to hang out, and inquire about their personal or family matters.
Events
Polite: You engage in light conversation with people around you, showing interest in their opinions and sharing your thoughts without dominating the conversation. You're attentive and considerate, ensuring not to overstep personal boundaries.
Friendly: You hug people you've just met, share personal anecdotes or jokes, and insist on exchanging contact information to stay in touch.
Online
Polite: You respond to messages and comments with kindness and respect, honoring the digital boundaries of acquaintances by not flooding their inbox or DMs, or expecting instant replies.
Friendly: You frequently message people with personal updates, send multiple follow-ups if they don't respond quickly, and comment often on their posts.
