What Are Your Love Languages?
Knowing how you express and experience love via your love languages is not only critical to successful relationships but also progress in every area of life.
In 1992 a philosopher and theologist by the name of Gary Chapman published a groundbreaking book called The 5 Love Languages that outlines how people tend to express and experience love. Based on observations as a relationship counselor, Chapman developed the premise that every individual has one or two dominant ways, out of five total, of showing and receiving love.
Understanding your love languages is critical to good communication, interpersonal dynamics and emotional intelligence. In this article we summarize the love languages framework and go a step further by showing how it can be beneficial to every area of your life, beyond just relationships.
What are the 5 love languages?
Though the five love languages framework is not backed by enough research to be deemed a scientific theory, the New York Times bestselling book is wildly popular in the fields of psychology and spirituality, selling over 12 million copies.
Morever, a plethora of anecdotal evidence and case studies suggest that it can serve as an effective relationship management and personal development tool.
We speak and understand best our native language. We feel most comfortable speaking that language. The more we use a secondary language, the more comfortable we become conversing in it. If we speak only our primary language and encounter someone else who speaks only his or her primary language, which is different from ours, our communication will be limited.
— Gary Chapman, The 5 Love Languages
The overall premise is that people have preferred ways of receiving and experiencing love, and naturally giving love in a way that mirrors these preferences. However, to better communicate and build up relationships, it’s important to not only understand your preferences but those of your loved ones. With this knowledge you can communicate more effectively.
The bottom line is that, in order to have a successful relationship, you need to be able to get love the way you want it and give love the way they want it. There are five love languages as follows:
Receiving gifts
The need for love shown through tangible or physical things or experiences that are meaningful and thoughtful.
Quality time
The need for love shown through undivided attention for a significant period of time.
Words of affirmation
The need for words to feel loved and appreciated in the form of verbal compliments or other positive statements.
Acts of service
The need for action to feel truly loved in the form of any helpful or useful activity that takes time and effort.
Physical touch
The need for love shown through proximity and frequent physical contact.
How to determine your love languages?
If you haven’t already read the book, it includes an assessment that can help you figure out your primary and secondary love languages. However, you can also quickly reflect on your interactions over the past week and ask the following questions to identify your dominant love languages:
What made me feel / Who made me feel / When did I feel ... ?
most secure
most wanted
most admired
most appreciated
most special
most desired
most recognized
most confident
most loved
As you reflect, try to identify what specifically about the situation contributed to your positive feelings. Were you given something small but significant? Did you finally get face time with someone you've been wanting to connect with in person?
See if you spot a pattern where one or two of the love languages tend to strongly correlate to positive feelings. To determine someone else’s love language either ask them to read the book or simply be more observant and improve your listening skills so you can identify them.
How to use your love languages?
Personal connections and interactions extend to every area of life so it is important to acknowledge your love languages even outside of your relationships. Moreover, it is also possible to express and experience love outside of personal interactions. For instance, a musician having a deep fondness for her instrument or an avid reader who holds dear her favorite book.
Applying the love languages framework to each area of life is a useful method for evaluating what you need to express and experience in order to feel love and be happy. Here are some examples of how you can use your love languages to enhance the life themes in your wheel:
Relationships
As mentioned above, relationships are the standard way in which you can use your love languages. In this area it's all about being open and honest about them with family and friends so they understand what you need to feel loved.
Of course, be sure to reciprocate this understanding as well by listening, being observant, or even asking loved ones what they need.
Career
When it comes to what you do for a living, how you give and receive love can be a strong indicator of the types of industries or functions that would serve you best.
It can also help you hone your strengths and be aware of your shortcomings when it comes to connecting with clients, customers, employees and partners.
Interests
Your personal interests likely reflect your love languages in some way, so enhancing this area of your life simply requires doing things that are in alignment with what you love and passing on those that aren't.
Environment
Your physical environment and overall atmosphere contributes significantly to your sense of well-being. Preference environments that support and are conducive to the expression of your love languages by choosing places, activities and experiences that give you more of what you need.
Growth
Growth is a blanket term for self-improvement and personal development strategies that help you create the change you want to see in your life. Knowing how you express and experience love will help you choose developmental strategies that are most effective for you.
