Turn Anger Into an Asset
Image of Sophie Gerber by Ben and Zie
When malleable, anger can be an excellent ally. That is, if you use specific techniques to turn it into an asset instead of a liability.
When someone disrespects you, violates your trust or pushes whatever trigger that gets you heated, you likely react in one of two extremes:
suppressed but intense rage that simmers deep inside of you
full fury, outright wrath or complete indignation
When you think about, there seems to be an all or none perception about anger that is quite unhealthy. Many try to ignore it out of fear that a display of anger is uncouth, while others explode (perhaps from too much suppression) and lose all control.
But there is a middle way. Anger is a legitimate feeling that has its proper place in your life like any other emotion and can be a benefit to you if you learn how to moderate it. It is impossible not to experience anger from time to time, so why not learn how to harness it as a powerful tool?
The following 5-step anger management process can help you steer, instead of trying to tame, the bull. Experimenting with these techniques will also give you more control over your anger, and help you direct it towards more desirable outcomes. By leveraging your intense negative emotions you can make them work in your favor and ensure they don't become a liability.
Anger is meant to be acted upon. It is not meant to be acted out. Anger points the direction. We are meant to use anger as fuel to take the actions we need to move where our anger points us. With a little thought, we can usually translate the message that our anger is sending us.
Julia Cameron, The artist’s way
1. Don’t ignore it
Trying to suppress your anger is ineffective, might backfire and, according to Harvard Health, can even be dangerous to your heart and overall health. Sure, you may take the edge off in the moment but it's only temporary relief. Down the line those emotions have a tendency to build up and resurface when not thoroughly addressed.
So profess your anger and call it for what it is (whether or not the circumstances warrant it, you should not deny your feelings). The simple act of owning how you feel means you are being realistic, and that's the best state of mind for moving through the rest of the anger management process.
2. Don’t succumb to it
This is easier said than done which is why the prior step is so important. If you can't even recognize or accept the emotional state you are in, then you definitely won't be able to control impulse decisions, words, and actions.
Only after owning your feelings, can you find the least harmful way to vent.Instead of writing that angry email and sending it, write it then save it to your draft folder. Instead of snapping on your partner to his or her face, go to a private room and unleash your wrath (at the wall).
These are examples of how you can release your anger in a way that won't do any damage (to yourself or others) until you can get back to a more rational state. Let out all of that built up tension in a controlled environment, but don't downplay or forget what comes out of this bitch session. You'll need to revisit it in a later step.
3. Sleep on it
Now it is time to create some distance between you and the incident that spurred your outrage. Let some time past before you reopen the case and think about the best way to react. Even for situations that can't be realistically revisited (like falling out with a stranger you'll never see again) it's still important to emotionally step away from the event and return to it later when you can think clearly.
After being emotionally disrupted you need time to get back to equilibrium, because anything from your heart rate and blood pressure to your thoughts could be off kilter.
If you aren't careful anger from once incident can easily spill over into other areas of your life. Don't allow one isolated situation to define your mood and determine the outcome of your day. Step away (once you acknowledge how you feel) and let it go for a sufficient period of time. Use these tips from the The American Psychological Association if you find it difficult to calm down.
4. Reconsider it
For some it may take a good night's sleep and a full 24 hours to be in the position to return to something that so thoroughly pissed you off — enough time to have almost forgotten about the situation. But don't drop it now because you feel better, the bulk of your personal growth comes from this step. You'll not only more effectively address this particular situation, you'll learn from it and strengthen your ability to deal with future frustrations.
Go back to all your secret rants and raves in step three. Now consider, what actually needs to be said or done vs. what should be abandoned because it won't improve the outcomes for you or anyone else involved?
Ask yourself what needs to be communicated to the other party (if possible) regarding their offensive behavior, but also what wrong did you commit? What have you learned from all of this? There's a lot of truth that bubbles out of us when we're in an agitated state. Find that truth then deliver it via constructive feedback to the offending party — but also to yourself.
5. React when ready
With a better handle on your emotions and a clear course of action you're almost ready to approach the individual, institution, or situation. But, don't feel compelled to rush into this. You might still desire to sit on it for a bit longer. Or perhaps call a friend, coach or therapist (especially if you have a history of anger issues) who can provide support as well as a more unbiased perspective.
Consider a few potential scenarios that may come out of your reaction as there's no guarantee it will work out exactly as you want. When you feel sufficiently empowered to handle these different scenarios, move forward. No matter the result, it is sure to be better than what would have ensued if you allowed rage to cloud sound judgment.
The ancient philosopher Seneca would not necessarily agree with the above steps. In his work De Ira (“On Anger”), he communicates a bias towards not allowing situations to get you upset in the first place. He makes a good point about not falling into anger's trap, which is based on the philosophy of Stoicism.
However, there will always be situations that arise and throw you off guard. These are the situations that can do the most damage if you don't have a set of tools you can use to navigate out of tricky terrain.
So yes, avoid anger as best you can. But if one day you inevitably fall short, it doesn't mean you have to be a victim (or victimize someone else). Knowing how to use anger as an asset will be your best defense and you'll come out stronger in the aftermath.
